Simon's blue humour page

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me." Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in "69"."Back ladies, back !" cried the leader, "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late, several of her charges had more-or-less seen all. They asked their leader what was happening."Well, if you... er... must know, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration.""WOW !" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."

One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor.He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything."
"Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help."
"Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman.
"No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face."

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scotts man was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him. "Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt.then let it go,"Oh, it's gruesome!"
"Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more."

Q.) Why are cyclones/tornadoes usually named after women?
A.) Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!" The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

Q. Why do they give old men in nursing homes viagra before they go to sleep

A. To stop them rolling out of bed

Q. Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

A. Because they're ugly and they smell.